If Christmas Jumpers Were Guys On Dating Apps
Christmas jumpers are much like guys - often hard to the touch and with the potential to leave you feeling itchy. They come in many shapes and sizes but at the end of the day they all do the same thing - make us feel fucking great for about a month and then we put them back in their box for a year until we feel like trying again. Which got us thinking - what if Christmas jumpers were guys on dating apps?
The classic fuckboy 🐓
No Diet Coke here, this is full on fuckboy. Just like an alluringly large cracker that pops only to reveal a shit pair of mini tweezers, this guy will breadcrumb you throughout the festive season with a few messages culminating in a 'You up?' at 11.45pm on Christmas Eve.
The Average Joe
This jumper is trying a little too hard to let you know they enjoy a 'good time' - they probably don't even drink that much, in fact they probably prefer word play to role play. They are likely to start a conversation with 'Hey' and will proceed to have bants about how they will smash you at Scrabble.
The Wannabe Lad
He will begin his chat with a line he got from LadBible.
The Effortless One
You will probably have to suggest both a date and a date venue. He will likely have bought himself a drink when you arrive but not have bothered to order you one too. He might suggest buying some cans afterwards and drinking at the bus stop where you wait for him to get his bus home before ordering your uber. He's bloody attractive though which is annoying. Say goodbye to your savings.
The Posh Boy
His parents probably have a house in Chelsea but he decided to move out to Dalston so that he could experience independent life. He will likely take you to Bluebirds for a coffee date.
The Almost Hipster
He will use you as an escape from his hipster friends so he doesn't have to keep being vegan over Christmas.
The Topless Pic Gym Man
You will never see his Christmas jumper because he will always be topless.
The one with the group shot
Is he the snowmie on the left? Or on the right? Snow-one knows.
The Eternal Singleton
Oh wait, that's you. Lol jk. This is the guy who's profile keeps coming up time and again despite you constantly swiping left. It is like the universe is trying to tell you that this is your level of man - the eternal singleton. *sigh*
Fancy finding some Christmas jumpers of your own? Head here.
Merry Christmas bitches.
Hoe hoe hoe.