The 30 Stages Of A Girl On Her Period As Told By A Girl On Her Period

It never comes when you bloody expect it. It always appears right when you're wearing that one pair of pants that's not from M&S or when you've got a wax booked ready for your third date with that guy you met on Badoo. No matter how many tracking apps you get or how good you are at remembering to take your pill each day (fml) your period comes and goes whenever it pleases and leaves behind a trail of discarded applicators, boiling mooncups and the bloody remains of your favourite underwear. Here are some of the many stages a girl goes through when she gets her period:

 

1. Your boobs start hurting and you're like 'Oh, shit'

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2. You immediately start telling everyone you see that you are getting your period soon

3. And apologise in advance for everything you will do in the next week or so

4. You hate everyone

5. And massively overreact when Janice from work breathes near you

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6. You say 'fucking bullshit' under your breath every time a Tampon advert with happy women comes on

7. Then you realise your period is a day late and immediately think you are pregnant

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8. You regret not getting the pill/coil/ever having sex

9. You start subconsciously stroking your bloated stomach thinking about baby names

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10. And wondering how soon is too soon to tell the guy you're seeing he might be a father

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11. Mainly for the dramas

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12. Because you love the dramas

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13. But then your period comes

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14. And you have no tampons to hand

15. So you have to roll up toilet paper and just hope for the best

16. And pray that no-one notices the massive tissue lump under your jeans

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17. But at least you're not pregnant

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18. You almost cancel your third date with that guy you met on Badoo 

19. But then you remember your period boobs give you slightly better cleavage

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20. So you go anyway and talk profusely about the pros and cons of period sex

21. Whilst casually checking the bottom of your chair for blood stains

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22. You insert a tampon at an awkward angle and hope he doesn't notice how you're walking now

23. then you get back to his and he doesn't have a suitable bin for said tampon

24. So you wrap it up about 5 million times in toilet roll

25. So much so that he gets confused about why there is no toilet roll left

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26. And you can tell he just thinks you did a massive shit

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27. But he wants you to stay over anyway and so you think he might be the one 

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28. The one who you want to worry you might be pregnant each month

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29. Just for the dramas

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30. Because you love the dramas

Bloody periods. Get yourself a guy who will never question why you suddenly cry when you see a pigeon with a stub leg or when a new flavour of hummus comes out in Tesco. If you fancy finding someone to fill up your hot water bottle 😉 or if you just need a distraction from the cramps - head to Badoo now.

Keep calm and ride the mood-swings like seesaws

xoxo