Your Entire Dating History As Told Through The Phases Of Taylor Swift
Since July 2016, we have battled through the dark times of the Swift hiatus and overcome the heartbreaking demise of Hiddleswift. And now, we find ourselves in the swing of a glorious new Taylor-revolution. Cryptic instagram posts, a new album full of dramz, music videos shot in North London kebab shops; what a time to be alive. However, whilst Taylor’s life may seem a world away from our own, with celebrity feuds and a string of A-List boyfriends, we are not all that different. In fact, it is possible to track our own dating history through the phases of TS.
"You Belong With Me" Taylor: First Crush Stage
Undoubtedly this initial stage happened when you were at school. It’s the “deeply infatuated with a boy who doesn’t even know you exist, but you would be perfect for eachother if he would only ditch his bitch girlfriend” stage. Raging with hormones, you spend hours in your bedroom (obvs wearing some cute yet unnecessary thick rimmed glasses and a heavy fringe) writhing about, completely unable to sit still for the excitement you feel thinking about your dream boy in endless different scenarios. You haven’t even heard of the term fuckboy. What a magical time.
"Love Story" Taylor: Platonic First Boyfriend Stage
This is your Joe Jonas relationship. The sweet boyfriend who comes round for dinner and can barely give your parents eye contact. You’ll will spend hours necking on the sofa, and will happily imagine walking down the aisle for him, but the idea of having actual sex with him terrifies you. He might have once tried to touch your boob, which made you realise things were moving way too fast, and you end up breaking up with him over MSN the next day.
"Jake Gyllenhaal" Taylor: First Non-Platonic Boyfriend Stage
The boy you probably lost your virginity to. Yes, it may have been terribly awkward, elbowy sex, but you come out of it feeling like you have awoken as a woman. You have no time for immaturity anymore; you drink black coffee now, and talk about contraception with you mates now- you know, things adults do. The connection you feel to this boy is far deeper than anything you have experience before, because you’ve had sex of course. Things seem rosy, until you begin to grow apart/ he doesn’t come to your 21st birthday party in Nashville, so you break up.
“Dear John” Taylor: The Guy Your Friends Hate Stage
This is your John Mayer stage. The guy you date who is probably older, untalkative, flakes out on every social event. Friends and parents can’t understand what you see in him, but they just don’t understand him like you do. You misinterpret his arrogance for charisma. Obviously things end pretty quickly, probably with him ghosting you, or some other lame shit to that description. After you aren’t necessarily angry or upset, but more incredulous at the fact you even went with him in the first place.
"Katy Perry Feud" Taylor: Your Ex’s New GF Stage
This is our equivalent to the Tay Swift/Katy P beef. You use your adept powers of deduction (ie. religiously checking your ex’s snapchat bezzies, tracking instagram stories with Miss Marple-esque precision) to discover that your ex has a new GF. Annoyingly it’s probably someone you know. Not well necessarily, but enough to make her your sworn nemesis.
"Red Album" Taylor: Done With Fuck Boys Stage
By this stage, you have experienced the unexplained phenomena that is the Fuck Boy. That fatal attraction to some sub-par guy that treats you like shit, but has you hooked. ‘Red’ Taylor is your time to admit that you knew they were trouble and adamantly decide that you are never ever ever getting back together. Of course, Taylor’s fuckboy was Harry Styles, whilst ours is most likely so unay-lad we met at Tiger-Tiger. But that’s only a minor detail.
"VMAs" Taylor: More Ex Dramz Stage
That stage where you are pretty sure you are over your ex. You have embraced being single AF, and you are feeling yourself. Then you bump into them unexpectedly, and all those emotions come flooding back into question once again. Just like the Kanye drama of 2009, it’s only a few minutes of awkwardness, but it's enough to ruin your day.
"Calvin Harris" Taylor: The One That Got Away Stage
This is the relationship that everyone had their money on. He’s sweet, unafraid of commitment and fits in perfectly with your squad. You even spend July 4th together (or a non-american holiday). But eventually, things fizzle out. There’s no shady business, it just didn’t work out.
"Kimmy K’s Snapchat" Taylor: Tragic Night Out Stage
In 2016, Kim released a snapchat video that set the truth about ‘famous-gate’ and sent her underground for a year. This is pretty much the equivalent of the morning after the night before. You wake up to a phone full of drunken texts to exes, and a 7 minute instagram story of you looking like a massive diiiick. It’s enough to take a year long hiatus in your bed.
"Reputation" Taylor: Older and Wiser Stage
We all know that the old Taylor is dead and the new one is her and she is a sassy as fuck. This is the fabulous stage where you let go of your hangups and worries about the exes and the dirty dirty fuckboys of this world, and become a stronger person in process.
So if you are making your way through these stages and have run out of boys, get yourself on Badoo now, to continue your A-list worthy romance.
Feature image: Instagram/richfabulous