How To Enchant Your Way To A Date According To Harry Potter
So Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes is all out of love potion and you've only got two weeks left to get a date to the Yule Ball. Gulping freaking gargoyles. What's one to do? Polyjuice potion your best mate into Emma Watson? Obliviate that annoying guy so he'll forget you ever ghosted him? Animagus yourself into a turtle and swim into the lake until it all blows over? We've got some better ideas.
1. Be a centaur. Everyone really fancies centaurs for some reason. So get a mate to be your back legs and start loudly announcing horoscopes.*
*this is essentially catfishing so probably won't result in an LTR*
*long term relationship
2. Improve your chat. Pretend to be into Quidditch. Guys love Quidditch. Chudley Canons are good apparently?
3. Find that fit Slytherin fuckboy who always seems to disappear into the dungeons before you get a chance to charm him. No magic skills required, just an iPhone and a dating app like Badoo where you can find people nearby. Basically a Marauder's Map but for dates instead of saving the world from Voldemort.
May I *cough* Slytherin to your heart and become a part of your physical and emotional being?
4. Join new groups and societies to meet people. We hear death eaters are pretty badass and have cool tattoos and shit.
5. Make a house elf keep swiping for you all day e'ry day.
6. Discover new talents. Talents are good conversation starters and significantly increase your attractiveness. We recommend finding a muggle and pretending to be an above-average magician.
Or get really good at tossing... gnomes.
7. Experiment when it comes to locations. Change location settings on Badoo to places like France and chat to interesting warlocks who you otherwise might not have met.
8. Ghost someone properly and make the Bloody Baron follow your love interest around until they eventually give in to his demands. (To date you.)
9. Fuck it all and date Emma Watson.* Just put a pic of Emma Watson a la 2K15 into Badoo's lookalikes feature and you find thousands of people that look like her to ask out.
And if all else fails tear up your soul into seven pieces and insert them into various inanimate objects before drinking the blood of a dying unicorn, using the cruciatus curse on a spider and calling Filtch a filthy squib until you aren't enough of a person to feel anything anymore let alone the pain of constant rejection.
Love to all.
If you fancy adding a bit of Felix Felicis to your dating game, download Badoo here.