10 Alternative Advent Calendars We Would Rather Get This Christmas

Christmas is a lot like sex. The build up is fabulous, but the event itself is, let’s be honest, a bit disappointing. The anticipation of Christmas is far more exciting than the actual day, where you remember that actually, spending 12 hours straight with all of your extended family is fundamentally unpleasant. So make the most of the lead up this Christmas with this collection of alternative, ingenious and risque advent calendars, bound to get you in the christmas spirit.

1. The Wine One

Image; Foodandwine

Image; Foodandwine

Chocolate is great, but wine is better. Aldi have created a wine advent calendar, which presents you with a miniature bottle each day. And at £49.99, we think this is a real steal.  

2. The Cheese One

Image; Asda

Image; Asda

Of course, wine without cheese is just wrong. Luckily, ASDA have created the ‘world’s first’ cheese calendar. You get 24 individually wrapped cheeses from 5 different varieties for £8. Afterall, Christmas is a time to eat your body weight in cheese.

 

3. The Gin One

Image; GinFoundry

Image; GinFoundry

Undoubtedly the most essential ingredient for getting through a family filled Christmas, it’s no wonder that gin calendars are hot property this year. The Ginvent calendar contains 24 different UK based gins, using a range of different ingredients, including ACTUAL Christmas tree! 

  

 

4. The Pork One

Image; SnafflingPig

Image; SnafflingPig

Who out there doesn’t like a bit of pork in the morning? Well good news, the pork crackling advent calendar is back. Since their sell out success of last year, The Snaffling Pig Company have returned bigger and better- with a range of different flavoured crackling, including maple and BBQ flavours. 

5. The Beer One

Pork scratchings covered, it's time for beer. Whilst there are a wide range of ale advent calendars out there, this one from Not On The Highstreet comes in a cute Christmas tree shape. And the final beer champagne flavoured. Amazing. 

6. The Naughty One

Image; LoveHoney

Image; LoveHoney

Love Honey are releasing the ultimate sex toy calendar. The ‘Best Sex of your Life’ calendar provides couples with 24 days worth of raunchy gifts to get you into the christmas spirit. With blindfolds, vibrators, light bondage and much much more, your are bound to reach the 25th with a smile on your face. 

7. The Slightly Less Naughty One

Unfortunately, blindfolds and handcuffs aren’t as much fun when you are single. But don’t think that couples have the monopoly on risque advent calendars- there’s always this delightful Sexy Advent Calendar, complete with novelty shaped chocolates. 

8. The Really Satisfying One

Image; paperspecs

Image; paperspecs

Ok, so the Love Honey calendar might bring you some intense pleasure, but there is surely nothing more satisfying than popping bubble wrap

9. The Shoe One

Reported to cost a whopping £18,000, Selfridges offer a minature shoe advent calendar. Set in a bespoke Hendzel & Hunt wooden cabinet, this opulent gift contains a number of miniature works from the likes of Fendi and Vivienne Westwood. What the point of this is, we aren’t sure. But do we want it? Hell yes. 

10. The Adventurous One

nauty.jpg

A simpler (and cheaper) alternative to number 6, the 24 Days of Sex and Seduction calendar provides adventurous positions and sexual tips to try once a day in the lead up to christmas. Guaranteed to have you knackered by the 25th. 

 

Sadly, my family’s tradition dictates that the grandparents supply all the advent calendars, so I won’t be expecting numbers 6 onwards anytime soon. But you are all free to enjoy, you lucky devils. Happy happy holidays 🎅🤶🎄 🍆