40 ways to tell if you are a hot mess

You think 40 is long? This list could have gone on forever. There are many, many things that make us the hot messes we are. The first step is acceptance, guys, and the second step is going to the 24 hour newsagents and picking up a bottle of Sauvignon-whatever's-on-offer and a Twix. Urban Dictionary defines a hot mess as someone whose 'thoughts or appearance are in a state of disarray but they maintain an undeniable attractiveness or beauty'. Here's our definition:

 

1. You wear active-wear outside of the gym more than you do in it

2. You use the word 'active-wear'

3. You think crisps at a bar are dinner

4. You think chips at a bar are dinner

5. You think Mojitos at a bar are dinner

6. And 10 mini kit-kats is a snack

7. You haven't shaved your legs in 5 months

8. and That is who you are now

9. You are a long haired lady for no feministy reasons

10. You say things like 'feministy'

11. You have a thin layer of sweat whenever you arrive anywhere

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12. You call dominos more than you call your parents

13. Except that you don't actually call, you order online, because you can't handle phone calls

14. Apart from when it comes to ringing your ex at 3am every friday without fail

15. And accidentally leaving a voicemail ordering dominos 

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16. You have a range of different supermarkets you go to

17. So that the cashiers don't judge you on how much chocolate you buy

18. But there is only one 24 hour newsagents

19. and they know 

20. they know everything

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21. you pick up handfuls of grated cheese and eat them no matter what the grated cheese is meant for

22. you are literally not emotionally ready to have bags of grated cheese inside your fridge 

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23. It takes you 7 hours to pluck up the courage to do your laundry

24. so much so that you wear bikini bottoms to work more often than you'd like to admit 

25. and occasionally end up with yeast infections as a result

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26. which you casually blame on your boyfriend

27. who doesn't exist

28. it takes you even longer to wash your hair 

29. and you can now go days on end with only batiste to make you an acceptable human being

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30. during which you have to keep checking whether your hair has gone white from spraying too close to your head

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31. and even at that stage you would rather wash your hair in the sink so you don't have to get out of your pyjamas

32. you often find yourself thinking that the kids menu looks more appetising than the regular one

33. and would happily pay the £28 for the nuggets instead of the duck confit 

34. in fact you consider offering £50

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35. you have baby hairs that have never grown to a maintainable length

36. and never will

37. in fact One of your main role models in life is Ariel

38. while she was still a mermaid

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39. because her hair was so clean and neat and perfect

40. like yours never is...

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...and never will be 

But, you know what - who cares? Be a hot mess and proud, because you will have better stories, better snapchats and better sex. Because you've got your life together in a different kind of way. You know the exact closing times of every supermarket in a 5 mile radius. You know the exact opening times of every different restaurant on deliveroo in your postcode. And, you know you'll always get it together for when it counts. Like your birthday or getting a new profile pic or looking hot af on that date. So stay 🔥 and stay messy xoxo