Guy in a Girls’ Office Lesson One: All Guys Are Dicks

Today I learned a valuable lesson. All guys are dicks. There are no exceptions, no redeeming cases. I tried to contribute with a joke like ‘yeah, I hate guys’, but nobody listened as they were too busy corroborating with their own experience of dicks. 

Now that I’m more educated, here are the main points to remember about guys:

  • They’re all dicks
  • Some will take longer to expose themselves as dicks. Do not be fooled, they’re still dicks
  • Chocolate is a good substitute for dicks
  • Having encountered a dick, it’s customary to make a pledge about swearing off dicks
  • You’re not expected to hold to this pledge
  • Cheese is a good substitute for dicks
  • It can be upsetting when you think you’ve met the one (not a dick), but he turns out not be the one (he’s a dick)

It is the role of Guy in a Girls’ Office to listen quietly, to learn, to become a better man. The path to enlightenment is laden with tampons, sports bras and, of course, questionable snacks at questionable times of day.

What to do when you encounter a dick:

  1. Stay calm
  2. Act crazy
  3. Tell as many other girls as possible

That’s all for now. There will surely be more wisdom to follow in the near future.