The 56 Shitty Stages Of Being Hungover At Work
We all know that feeling. You go out for 'just the one' spontaneous post-work drink - someone's leaving/someone's joining/it's been one of those days. A pint in the local turns into 3 pints at a not-so-local which turns into 3 bottles of wine with your favourite colleague Susan who also thinks Jenny from HR types excessively loudly. Somehow you end up fucked off your face and you remember neither the Uber journey home nor why you seem to have what looks like five different Maccie D's items on the floor by your bed. What inevitably follows? A hangover to end all hangovers.* Here's what goes down:
*I am definitely not writing this hungover at work
1. You wake up at 5am and drink more water than you have ever drunk in your life.
2. The pint glass you knowledgeably left by your bed, the dregs of your tea from two nights before, an accidental swig of your contact lens solution - EVERYTHING.
3. You wake up again at 7am feeling fabulous and think YES!
4. THANK GOD YOU WOKE UP!
5. AND YOU DON'T EVEN FEEL HUNGOVER!!
6. You must have drunk less than you thought!!!!!!!!!
7. Susan probably had most of the wine, she usually does.
8. You message Susan to tell her you feel great.
9. And then immediately check your messages to see if you drunk texted that guy from Badoo .
10. You did.
11. Three times. 🙄🙄
12. And one of them just said 'U sups?'
13. You send a message saying your pesky flatmate stole your phone.
14. Still feeling fabulous you make your way to work, smiling at everyone on your Tube carriage.
15. So much so that people give you disapproving looks.
16. Until you realise that it's because you've been playing your latest episode of My Dad Wrote A Porno out loud on your phone.
17. Fucking bluetooth headphones.
18. You have the sudden realisation that perhaps you haven't actually avoided a hangover...
19. But are just still fucked.
20. A marching band suddenly strikes up a really shit song inside your head.
21. You get to work and wonder if anyone will judge you for ordering an Uber eats egg McMuffin.
22. Jenny probably will. *sigh*
23. Jenny comes over and asks why you are looking so happy today?
24. And why are you wearing so much makeup?
25. You tell her it's because you are still drunk and it's the same makeup from last night.
26. Jenny judges you and goes back to her desk.
27. Emails make you feel dizzy.
28. You reply to an email and realise you sent it back to yourself.
29. Which is lucky because you made 3 typos and spelt their name wrong.
30. You tag Susan in a meme about being hungover at work.
31. You somehow make it to lunch and reward yourself with 5 chocolate bars and a large packet of ibuprofen.
32. You eat your kitkat chunky and feel a happy rush of chocolate flow through your blood.
33. Mmm, chocolate.
34. You feel sick 5 minutes later and go and sit on the toilet for a while to flick through Instagram.
35. You're so tired.
36. When you come out of the loo it is only 3 hours until home time.
37. Which is only like 3 lots of 60 minutes.
38. Which is like 6 lots of half an hours.
39. Why is everyone speaking so loudly?
40. You suddenly feel an intense rush of hunger.
41. You attempt to track down someone (anyone) with a birthday to eat their cake.
42. Your boss comes over to ask you why you put an 'x' at the end of an email.
43. You eat a packet of crisps and feel better.
44. Then have a milky cup of coffee and feel worse.
45. Only 3 'half an hours' left now.
46. That guy from Badoo finally replies to your drunk texts...
47. He says he assumed it was a pesky flatmate!
48. AND HE ASKS YOU OUT FOR A DRINK TOMORROW!!!
49. You feel fucking amazing again.
50. So eat half your emergency stash of celebratory chocolate digestives.
51. And immediately feel the need for a carb nap.
52. Work is no longer an option and you start thinking about what you will wear on your date tomorrow.
53. Then you realise you forgot to take out your contact lenses last night AND THIS WHOLE ENTIRE DAY and think fuck it, enough's enough.
54. You get an Uber home at 5pm and fall asleep on the way back.
55. You nest into your sofa and vow to never drink again.
56. Well, until your date tomorrow.
With the pressures and anxieties of modern life there is no question we all deserve to be hungover at work at least 73% of the time, and if you are managing to hit those targets then go you! Don't let anything get in the way of you living your best life. Need a break? Phone Susan for drinks. Need a moan? Jenny, get over here. Need a date? Fuck it, get on Badoo.