The 7 Traumatic stages You Go Through When Your Period Is Late
The government officially woke up to period poverty last week! The £15 million generated from the tampon tax will now help underprivileged women all over the UK to gain access to sanitary products. So, in the spirit of this good news, let's talk periods.
Most of us have been affected by period paranoia. She's an evil mistress, ruled by a tsunami of hormones, who strikes fear into even the most cautious gal's heart. You barely had sex, precautions were taken, but still, you think there could be a tiny possibility...
Here's a look at the seven stages of period paranoia that, let's face it, we all go through nearly every month:
1. It often starts out with a dream: you're out with your pals, drinks are flowing, the dance floor is calling, you look down and OH MY GOD YOU'RE PREGNANT.
2. You wake up and immediately get that blissful "it was all a dream" feeling. There's no bun in your oven after all. Relief teams up with euphoria and they do a conga line in celebration. But then Paranoid Pete turns up.
3. Woah woah — hang on. What did the f did that mean? I think that was your body TELLING YOU SOMETHING! You did take all your pills, right? *Early signs of pregnancy goes straight into Google*
4. The web says to check your boobs, but results are inconclusive. They could be tender, but then again, aren't boobs always tender?! What about your emotions? You did happy cry this week. But TBF ET is a really moving film.
5. Your period's officially a day late, so you review your sex and contraception habits. You did miss a pill. Shit. There is only one explanation... you've done it. You're pregnant. You've met a great guy on Badoo and now you're pregnant with his child. He's going to sue you for entrapment. He's going to think you stole his sperm.
6. You try to go about your daily life, but every stomach rumble is your unborn child growing fingers and toes. You start eating for two; pity snacking on crisps, ice cream and mini eggs. You meet up with your Badoo guy who says you look nice and you instantly fear that you're "glowing".
7. As D DAY approaches (aka the last possible day you're period could arrive and it'd be ok), you wait for the inevitable conformation. You make one last plea to the ovary gods to save you. You promise that you will never miss a pill again, wth, you'll never have sex without a condom again — if only they will let you off just this once.
The morning comes, you wake up, you get up, you go to the bathroom....
OH MY GOD!! CRISIS AVERTED, LIFE SAVED. THANK YOU OVARY GODS ILL NEVER BREAK MY PROMISE TO YOU.
4 days later...
*Forgets to start new pill cycle*
So, the moral of the story? Period paranoia is inevitable, but let's quit giving it any unnecessary ammunition. Also, be sure to share the burden with your beau. Why should you go through this monthly hell alone? And if he isn't into it, find one who is on Badoo. There's plenty of guys willing to stroke your hair as freak out about the possibility of impending motherhood.